Butlin’s is Off The Chain Bruv

April 15th 2014 > 2 Comments

Hello Bitches,

I have just spent the week in Butlin’s Bognor Regis. It was proper sick. Basically, your children have an incredible time and you remember a time before you had children and holidays were something you looked forward to.

I recently did a children’s TV show called “The Dog Ate my Homework” on CBBC. It was a fun show to do. I recorded it a while ago but the series just finished airing.

“Well I’m glad things are going so well for you Romesh you fucking show off.” is obviously what you’re thinking, but there is a point to this info. I went to a children’s holiday resort the week after I had been on a children’s TV show. It had an effect on my trip.

I was queuing up for coffee in order to stay awake during the Fireman Sam followed by Barney double bill going on in the main dome. Barney is a genuine prick but that’s for another post. I was walking up to the counter when a kid saw me, walked up to me and just stared at me intensely in the queue. I pretended not to notice, and was looking ahead, until the woman in front of me gave me a look as if to say “there’s some sort of reverse grooming going on here mate, deal with it.”

I chose to continue ignoring him until he pointed at a muffin in the display and said “That is delicious.” I didn’t know what was more annoying at this point – that he had decided to talk to me, or that he thought that I was so lacking in worldly experience that I wouldn’t know what a muffin tasted like. I continued to ignore him, after momentarily considering explaining my veganism to him, and why I thought he was a savage for eating a muffin in the first place.

He must have assumed that I hadn’t heard him, rather than was ignoring this weird flirting technique because he then shouted at the top of his voice “THIS IS DELICIOUS.” This had become a bloody situation now. I was just trying to buy a coffee and now people were staring at me, assuming that I was denying this child a muffin. This needed to be shut down asap. I’d also decided that, as they were yet to arrive to save me, his parents were pricks.

“Is it? That’s good to know.” I replied quietly, this being quite far from what I actually wanted to say.


“Yes, yes I am CBBC.”

“ARE YOU BEST FRIENDS WITH IAIN?” (this is the host, Iain Stirling)

“Yes I am.”


I am assuming that he recognised me, and not that he was suggesting that, for the purposes of this photo, I was to be called Romesh because that’s what he wanted me to be called.

I took the photo and then was delighted to discover that what I in fact had thought were hundreds of people just visiting Butlins, were actually members of his family.

Ten minutes after leaving my wife, I returned with coffees. Despite being not more than ten yards from the whole incident, she was completely unaware of what had happened. I then had to recount the story, because obviously the coffees had taken to long, only for her to rip the piss out of me for thinking that made me a celebrity.

And then we had to watch that cockend Barney.


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